“Guess who’s bizzack?!!!” (Jay Z reference for those of you who share my love of hip-hop) LOL
It’s been a minute guys… but I’m back, refreshed, and better than ever. Since my last post I’ve done all the things I speak of in my lifestyle blog. I’ve lived, I’ve breathed, I’ve relaxed, I’ve served, I’ve taken the time I needed for myself, to reconnect… not only with the almighty above, but also with myself and all my loved ones. Speaking of… we know this alone takes work. Maintaining healthy, loving, and satisfying relationships is WORK. So it’s no surprise that in response to my poll for topics you’d like me to delve into, RELATIONSHIPS, ranked #1 in topics of discussion. This topic, an expansion of “Relationship Schmalionship” as written in Series TWO- Healing in your own skin. Click the following link to read at your leisure. issalivestyle.com/2021/03/15/healing-in-your-skin-series-two/
I’m not just talking marital and partner relationships, I’m speaking of all relationships. Under this relationship umbrella we hold titles as mothers, wives, daughters, sisters, aunts, cousins, friends, in laws, etc. All of which take work, especially those relationships that involve a blood line, as we know those hold a special place in our hearts. For some even a stronghold. Let’s delve into that shall we?
The one thing I wish my mother would have taught me was, releasing the bondage that relationships like these would hold in my life. If you’re anything like me, you hold these relationships near and dear to your heart. At some point, you may have even valued them more than others. Your expectations were set so high you kept getting disappointed. At one point you felt like you were soaring high above the clouds, and in the next your wings were clipped and you came rushing back down to earth like a meteor. You lived, you learned, you changed, but did you really? Let’s be honest. We are who we are at the core, and no one nor can any circumstance change that.
What you do learn however, as the years pass, and as you experience disappointments and heartbreaks within your life is, to compartmentalize. You learn who is who, and how they move, and you learn to put them in different boxes. Those who value you, who know you, and believe in you, who treat you the same as you do them, will find their way to the front of the line in your life. Those people you will go out of your way for. You’ll spare no expense. You’ll shower them with love and attention more than any other group of people in your life. These people… are the chosen ones. The ones that lift you up even when you didn’t know you needed it. Who fill your cup? Who feed your spirit? These people, you will cherish forever.
Then there are those that are special to you, but they don’t truly, fully, one hundred percent understand you. OR, they may not have taken the time to set their selfish ways aside to be there for you as the others above have. This doesn’t make them any less special, but for the sake of you conserving your energy and minimizing the risk of disappointment and hurt, you place them in a different space. You love them, you’re there for them, you reach out to them, and you respond to their needs, but without risking your own joy in the process.
The people who follow are those that are there because you value them, as individuals. The people you admire for their own positive traits. You recognize there is good in them, but they have their own soul searching to do. These people could be a danger to your spiritual walk. They too have to heal. You see their efforts, but recognize there is nothing you can personally do for them other than to let them know that you are there shall they need you. These people, you feed love to. You let them know you’re only a phone call away and you let them be.
Lastly, are the acquaintances? They have no stake in your life. They are here to just be there. They wouldn’t mind if you didn’t speak to them for days, weeks, months, and years on end because they will simply just say, “oh yeah, I know her… I follow her on social media.” They watch your every move and they may respond to a post here and there. These people, can infiltrate your life without you knowing. These are the people that will share tid-bits about you with others without fully recognizing who you are and what it took to get there. Be wary of these souls.
Did I miss any? See… in life I’ve found that I’ve had a combination of people in my life. It wasn’t until I learned to distinguish among them that I began to act accordingly. Boy has this been a weight lifted off my shoulders. There’s a saying that goes, “People walk into our lives for a reason, a season, or a lifetime.” This couldn’t be any truer. The day we come to terms with that, will be the day we are set free from expectations of relationships.
In the book, “A YEAR OF YES,” by Shonda Rhimes, in the Chapter titled, Yes to dancing it out (with the right people), she clearly expresses how she experienced a change in one of her “ride or die” relationships in her ‘year of YES’. While sitting with a group of her closest friends they pointed out that from the outside looking in… they saw this moment coming. What Shonda had done in the many years with this “ride or die” friend, was that she created a role for this friend that she lived up to. Never once realizing until that moment that she developed a friendship that in actuality mattered so little, because in her imagination this mattered so much to her. While in the long-run, she never really “liked” this “avatar” she created. Some of you may have experienced a similar circumstance in your life.
Long story short, you realize in life that you create relationships with others because of who you want them to be in your lives. Who you need them to be. And in turn, who you create them to be in your minds. You are hurt by these people, and at times even hurt them back as a coping mechanism. Does that help? No. What does help, is that you are true to the reality of who you are at the core. Never apologizing for that. Living your truth and being willing to rise above the expectations of others for you, and dismissing your expectations for others.
A friend once shared a video with me by Pastor T.D. Jakes titled, “Cutting People Off.” Though this video is no longer available for public viewing, I found a short snippet of it on social media. See the following link: https://fb.watch/96AUmDnWMg/ However, if you’re able, I strongly suggest you find the full video on https://bishopsvillage.com/videos/our_living_room_event_cutting_someone_loose-6328?fbclid=IwAR2SldDvKpyihu-ZPsqRBKEhb_-4NXO8i7Ds1zX3v_LU0oJpp40Ejs_LrVE
In this video, he expresses the following: “Cutting someone you know and love out of your life is a heavy idea. And it might just be the difficult decision you’ve got to make if you ever want to reach your destiny. How do you know when it’s time to cut someone? How do you prepare yourself for the tricky conversation and what do you actually say?” All some very tough but valid questions to move in the direction of your destiny.
We don’t realize just how much we are holding ourselves back by maintaining ties with others the way we did in years past. We grow, we learn, we age, and we come to find out that the connections we had early on in our lives have to change with you. Sometimes in the waves of change we find our true direction. Yes, change is scary. Yes, it’s also uncomfortable. But guess what? It’s NECESSARY.
I hope this triggered some positive responses in you to move in the direction of your dreams. To build relationships that are healthy, whole, and reciprocate all the love you have to share with the world. Build, not out of habit, or out of responsibility, but out of love and the joy you deserve. Let’s normalize this conversation. Till next time… I am yours truly- Lin Green.